Bardo

I am now in the third day of a severe depressive episode. It is not just sadness and it is not just grief and it is not just alienation of my life here. It is I am no longer Bruce. I hear the name and it is not me anymore. How do I explain this? That I am no longer me? Don't call me Bruce anymore. How do I tell my own mother I am not the one she birthed? How do I tell my brothers they are not my kin? How do I walk away from this life without a fight? There is nothing I would die for except to get away from a life which is wrong for me. I miss the ones who knew me once before I started to die again. Now it is too late to reclaim what was never mine at all. I don't know how I ever imagined a life for myself.I guess I was better then. Now I can see the truth and I am no longer a man. I hate the man I am supposed to represent. No one knows what it is like and I won't bother them with my confusion.I am so sick of trying to understand myself in this hell place. I am now a stranger to myself. It will easier once I am gone.At least for me the pain will end. I am tired of asking for help and I am tired of having no hope and watching the world die as I helplessly and ineffectively lose my way. I put this up so no one has to drag out my journals to find out I am a fake never expressing myself as to be polite and not to be a burden to my family and friends. Thanks for all of you who left me alone to die in peace. I have no resentments nor anger for those who missed my efforts to make a difference. It was a sad effort to overcome the generations of warriors designed for nothing but wars. I almost made it if I only would have died sooner. I missed the war so I have to make the kill myself.

If There was Hell

I would imagine it. Wouldn't it have to be so? If mind can not create the cognate it has no inherent existence. This is where I always get lost on my way to emptiness I take a right turn into nihilism disguised as rationalism. No can't deny that happens to everyone. Does it really? Are we all part of an experience stream which pre-supposes we will all die and become something else. This appears to be true if the inherent existence of self exists. Such as it is, the self is also a part of our existence stream created as a dream. The suffering is perhaps the lack of satisfaction about what this stream provides. No one ever knows for sure but the myth goes that we will be better if we have wealth and health. Only if we believe we are better. We can only experience what the minds tells us we are seeing etc. Even though "appearances" may seem to be so the actual experience of the subjective it is nothing of the outward appearance of the dream. It is all in mind, just as Hell as it is also must be contrived and created by self and experienced by same. So when I say I am in Hell it is just a state of mind not a place. A vacation would be nice if I had some where to go. I think that vaguely answers the question "How is it living in Hell?"