One Turn of Saturn

Last Friday I was informed via Facebook my BGFF is no longer F, as in Forever. I have known for a long time her days were numbered as are my own.
I had discussed the inevitable with her and as we had been close for a while I wanted her to know I supported her in whatever she decided to do at the end and not to stay here for my account and as we had a pact that of we would choose to step away we would go together. That is if life became so ugly and painful that to go forward would be abusive to the human vehicle we ride with but as long as we had each other to reflect upon the pathologies which are the adaptations to our reaction to the dreams of the planet we would have a chance to make something beautiful and fun out of it. She left me with another perspective on life which transcends gender and time, up until the assumption was broken that this refuge of a friendship would be there forever. The turn of Saturn is about 11years 3 months and I met her on December 25th, 1999. Now as then I feel on the verge of something like terrifying dreams I had back then. This is not what she would have wanted of me. Always offering something to reassure me I was not doing wrong and giving me a leg up and an anchor in the storm. Even at the end I held out for a miracle which was the young woman who cared for her to the end so I was spared the guilt of my promise to be there when we died. I guess I can't do much about that now. I am glad for her. My friend Layna also reassured me that feeling sorry for oneself is ok because no one else has to though I might inspire some pathos in others, I need to apply those principles of compassion to me also. It will be my turn soon enough. I have to quit wasting my energy on these cycles of doubt and criticism. It hurts. Is that all? OK
I hear you.