What Is a Man?

Today I got to look at my life. I recognize my reluctance to stay with anything that isn't enjoyable and my cycles of inspiration and defeat which happen every 9-10 years. This one as the last out a sense that doing this now would alleviate my pain of existence. Relationship a combination of passion familiarity and commitment. A few years here a few there and a life is gone and none of these still exists. As Johnny Cash sang,"You are someone else and I am still right here." this stage of the bardo with it's powerlessness and solitude due to my lack of social skills and resistance to accept my fate as a man who refuses to be a man. The grief I feel is just a recycling of past. If I do not have an illness then it is my fault. If I am lazy or stubborn to not try any more to live the dream which I have never quite felt I deserved. So what is a man? In this society he is judged by his job. A job is that necessity that provides for his loved ones or it doesn't. If I remember what it was like to work it was lost after I left Heppner in 1980. That's a long time to run away from yourself. A man without a job is hardly worth anything. If I was in prison at least I would know why I was there. I am still not sure why I am here. The sentence was life. I serve now till death. As do all. We are all on death row.