Grief

In my nursing class this morning we discussed the subject of what loss is and the grief process. The developmental reactions to change shift over time and are different at different time of our lives. A man in his fifties, such as myself with nothing tangible to show for his life, is vulnerable to any sudden or gradual loss of function, status, or connection. In my life occupational stressors related to unemployment underemployment and lack of actual right livelihood have left me with feelings of despair and depression. Coupled with the underlying pressure of mounting student debts with no chance foreseen or anticipated to alleviate them creates a sense of hopelessness and an urge to give up.
We watched a video about how our suffering may be ignored or overlooked by others and I related to it personally even though, to the best of my knowledge, I am not terminally ill.(sic) The joy which eludes me is a threat to my overcoming the sadness and sense that I am pursuing a path that is not my heart's work. So why can't I accept that any job is better than no job and any work that pays the piper is a worthy avocation?
These questions are core to my present dysthymic existence. It takes me out of my best perspective on life and makes me dysfunctional at best. At some point I will shift and find a way out of this but this morning all I can do is write a little bit about my feelings. I know keeping this inside will not alleviate my depression but I also have a sense of shame that after all the time I have spent in therapy and school and in life in general I can't overcome this mid-life crisis. The term maladaptive grief is apropos for my extended
sadness. In a "bootstraps" society, I am bootless. I have a new ally in my quest for acceptance of my "self" you know and don't know very well. She is very quiet. Not my ally my "self". It is complicated to say the least. A diagnosis of gender dysphoria as my best friend brought home for me to analyze is something I never considered that it might be more complicated than merely being gay or bisexual. It may be also at the root of my inability to accept myself and inevitably the cause of my lack of trusting enough to share this with anyone I know.
It doesn't matter what I share as long as I am true to that self and not to the ego which will be shed before the bardo. I am grateful to those who have tried to help me overcome my karma and accept my dharma. I am also grateful for the patience to stay around and keep attempting to do my best here in this cycle of existence.